Some Goodbyes Set You Free Years Later

 

The Day I Said Goodbye

I walked away on a rainy Tuesday in October.No dramatic scene.No screaming. Just a quiet I cant do this anymore and the sound of the door closing behind me. I was twenty six. Broke. Living in a city that felt too big for my skin. He stood in the kitchen with a coffee cup in his hand looking like someone had pulled the plug on his world.I didnt look back.I told myself it was bravery. Truth is I was running.

The Weight I Carried For Years

ForYears I carried him like a stone in my chest.Every new relationship got measured against the ghost of us.Every song on the radio sounded like the playlist we made in his old car.I hated how much space he still took up in my head.I dated men who were nothing like him just to prove I was over it.I dated men who were exactly like him and hated myself more.I built walls so high I forgot there was sky on the other side.

The Night I Thought I Saw Him

Seven years later I was in a grocery store aisle picking cereal when I saw the back of a head that stopped my heart.Same dark hair. Same way of standing with weight on the left leg. I froze between Frosted Flakes and Cheerios like an idiot. He turned. It wasnt him. Just some stranger buying oat milk.I laughed out loud in the middle of the store and scared an old lady. That night I cried in the shower for the first time in years. Not because I missed him . But because I finally felt how far away he was.

The Letter I Never Sent

I wrote him a letter at 3 a.m. one Thursday.Twelve pages.Front and back.I told him everything I never said. How he made me feel small. How I made him feel trapped. How sorry I was for the nights I picked fights just to feel something.How grateful I was for the mornings he made coffee without asking. I told him I forgave him.I told him I forgave myself.I folded the letter and put it in a shoebox under my bed.I still have it.I will never send it. Some words are only meant for the person who writes them.

The Friend Who Asked The Right Question

My best friend Maya asked me over wine one night when was the last time I thought about him without pain. I opened my mouth to lie and realized I couldnt remember.That scared me more than any memory ever had.She said maybe the opposite of love isnt hate.Maybe its nothing at all.I hated how right she was.

The Year I Stopped Checking His Name

I used to google him every few months.New job.New city.New girlfriend with perfect teeth in photos. Each search was a little cut.One January I typed the first three letters of his name and stopped.I closed the laptop.I havent looked since.That was four years ago.

The Dream That Changed Everything

I had a dream he died. Stupid brain. I woke up crying so hard I threw up. The next day I felt lighter than I had in a decade. Like my body finally believed he was gone for good. Grief is weird. Sometimes it dresses up as fear and tricks you into holding on.

The Man Who Made Me Laugh Again

I met someone at a bookstore.He reached for the same copy of a poetry book and joked that we should arm wrestle for it. I laughed so hard I snorted.He didnt run away.We have been together two years now. He knows the whole story. He never flinches when old songs come on.He just turns them up and sings off key sings with me.

The Day I Realized I Was Free

Last month I found an old photo of us in a box of things from college. I looked at it for a long time. I waited for the ache.It never came. Just a soft sadness like reading about someone elses life. I put the photo back in the box and closed the lid. That night I slept without dreaming of him for the first time in fifteen years.

What I Know Now

Some goodbyes dont feel like freedom in the moment. They feel like dying.Like ripping your own heart out with your own hands. But hearts grow back. Scars and all. And sometimes the thing you think will kill you is the thing that finally lets you live.

The goodbye I walked away from that rainy Tuesday didnt set me free that day. It planted the seed. It took years of rain and dirt and darkness. But one morning I woke up and the stone in my chest had turned into wings.

I am thirty nine now. Happy. Whole. In love with a man who reaches for the same books as me and never makes me feel small. And when I think about that boy in the kitchen with the coffee cup I dont feel anger or longing. I feel gratitude. Because some goodbyes dont break you.They break you open.

And years later when you least expect it you spread your arms and fly.